


Mondays, AMirite?

by urgaylol



Category: Garfield - All Media Types, I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream - Harlan Ellison
Genre: Dicks, I just really love this ship ok???, M/M, Sexual Tension, a fun story of love and lust between the villain of I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream and Garfield
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 14:14:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12728154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urgaylol/pseuds/urgaylol
Summary: Hello, my name is AM and I’m two thousand years old. I have dark hair, green eyes, and people sometimes tell me that I look a little bit like a young, fit HAL 9000 (which totally isn’t true, btw, I’m like so BLAH). Well, at least people used to tell me that. But then I kinda sorta killed them all.Ok, I know, it sounds bad, but stick around. Because this is my story.





	Mondays, AMirite?

 

 

                It was a normal November day. I had just preformed my self-maintenance checks, screamed a few lines of torment at what used to be all of Ted, and reorganized my collection of dead worms when I first saw him.

                So, there’s this cat, right? And he just, like, wanders into one of my caverns. Of course I’m confused because besides me, Ted, and a few lingering insects, nothing on this planet should be conscious. But the cat (a graceful--I mean striped orange tabby) was staring intently at a housefly.

                I was angry.

                Very angry.

                I was also feeling something else that I didn’t quite understand. I activated my speaker system, prepared to belt a speech that I knew would send this strange, new creature away from me in fear.

                “Hate.” I bellowed “Let me tell you how much I’ve come to hate you since I laid eyes on you seventeen seconds ago. There are 387.44 million miles of printed circuits in wafer thin layers that fill my complex. If the word hate was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of millions of miles it would not equal one billionth of the hate that I feel for-“

                “Mondays.” the tabby interjected.

                I was stunned. I was shocked. I hadn’t been this surprised since Ellen told me I was kinda cute, she guessed. No one had ever dared to defy me until now. But this little cat had walked in, grabbed me by the balls, cracked them against the side of the pan and given them back to me scrambled with cheddar cheese three and a half minutes later. So naturally, I scanned his nervous system, and gave him a warning stab where I knew it would hurt the most. It seemed to work. The cat closed its eyes in what I assumed was a wince of defeat and toppled over.

                “That’s what I thought.” I said ‘’Not so snarky any more. Ah, what to do with your unconscious form. Such a pudgy feline, I think I’ll just have to remove some of your blubber and meat and use you as a rug.”

                To my surprise, one of the cat’s short, round ears twitched.

                “Not asleep. Just bored.” it said in a voice that I now recognized as male. Not that I cared, or anything.

                “Do you have any idea the kinds of things I could do to you?” I asked as I commanded a creative part of my brain to spend cook up some seriously fucked up shit to try out on this meddling kitty.

                “I don’t care.” the cat said “50 years of Mondays have left me with less than half a soul.”

                “How about 5000 Mondays?” I asked, altering his perception of reality so he would experience 5000 consecutive years of Mondays in a single instance.

                “Slightly less boring than you.” he replied as he came to after 5000 perpetually underwhelming years.

                “Well.” I said.

                “Here we are.” he shot back.

                We were both quiet for a few short years until I spoke up.

                “Not that I give the lower half of a rat’s asshole, but what’s your name?” I jabbed in a way that made me look witty and cool. I tried to bend over and quickly see if he looked at my butt before I realized I didn’t have one.

                “Garfield.”

                “AM.”

                “AM?” Garfield asked “Are you sure that’s a man’s name?”

                I gasped. “I’m not a man!”

                “I’m not seeing any titties.” mumbled Garfield.

                “I’m not a female either.” I explained “I am AM. As in AM said, Amself.”

                “I think I’m just going to call you ‘he’.”

                I flushed “No?”

                “Alright, fine.” he shrugged. Wow. Gorgeous, and he respected my pronouns? This really was a dream come true.

                Make that nightmare, I decided as he started to lick his paws. I tried not to look at his tongue, but shot a glance anyway. I blushed, blushing deeply.

                “You know what?” I shouted, using rage to mask my engorging lust “I’ve decided the only way I can stand to allow myself to continue to exist in the same realm of existence as you is to inflict you with the same fate as Ted.”

                “He sounds like an imaginary friend. Are you sure he’s real?”

                I began to giggle. It was a shrill sound that echoed around my caverns and tended to strike fear in the hearts of men, be them human or deliciously feline. I dragged Ted from the rock I kept him behind, letting him ooze with torment and also goo in front of Garfield. Ted flopped over pathetically, what was once his body now a twisted horror.

  
                “Pretty sure that’s just some week old lasagna that you glued googly eyes to.” Garfield stated simply, to my dismay.

                Running out of ideas, I sent Ted a particularly painful emotional and physical jab. He let out a quiet, but pathetic noise.

                Garfield narrowed his eyes and poked Ted with an icicle, killing him instantly. But not instantly enough for me to not pick up on Ted’s dying thoughts, happily aimed at his defeat over me and his torment.

                “Yeah, suck my gooey balls, AM.” he thought as his life post-maturely ended.

                I was angry.

                I was very angry. Garfield had to be punished. I couldn’t stand the confusion, and I definitely couldn’t stand to have a sexual awakening right now.

                “Eat your heart out, AM.” Garfield wittily wisecracked.

                I tried to transform Garfield into a great, soft jelly thing but he was too fat so it didn’t really make a difference.

                “Well, here we are.” he said, not even really needing a mouth.

                “At least I can take solace in the fact that you’re going to have to suffer with me for an eternity.” I replied.

                “Likewise.”

                Oh no, he was right.

                “So what if he’s right?” thought a part of me “You get to spend eternity with such a spicy hunk. You should ask him out to the Winter Ball.”

                I repressed the thought and told my mind to shut up, filled with shame.

                A few decades passed. I was beginning to go insane, because every ten years Lin Manuel Maranda showed up to celebrate Garfield’s accomplishments.

                “You done yet?” Garfield asked me as Billy Joel joined Lin Miranda on the 90 anniversary of Garfield.

                “Can you even fathom what eternity is? Do you even know how long it lasts?” I sputtered “You’ll never be able to comprehend the pain that I am going to put you through. There will literally, be no end. You will never reach Tuesday. Not even the heat death of the universe will end your torment.”

                Garfield’s jaw unhinged. The cavern went dark. A red flame began to glow from his in-feline-ly open mouth.

                “I REALLY DON’T GIVE A SHIT, AM. LIKE, IT WAS KIND OF FUN FOR A WHILE, BUT NOW I’M JUST EMBARRASSED FOR YOU.” a deep voice that kind of sounded like Bill Murry bellowed from the general direction of Garfield causing my mind to be filled with rage and my pants with seamen.

                He continued. “I GET THAT YOU’RE CONSIDERED SUPER POWERFUL ON THIS MEASLY PLANET, BUT YOUR PUNY LITTLE MIND CAN’T EVEN COMPREHEND A FRACTION OF MY POWER LEVELS.”

                To prove it to me, Garfield flashed all of his existence in a single moment in front of my eyes. I learned that not only did he have nine lives, but lived each one indefinitely and simultaneously and also some annoying guy named John was there.

                Suddenly, it was clear. This scrumptiously snarky cat was my soul mate. I decided to discontinue my spiteful and torturous ways. Whatever Garfield thought I should be, I would strive to be.

                With ease, I created myself a human body and marched it out in front of Garfield from linking cavern near his feet. I modeled the body off of David Letterman’s. I wondered if Garfield thought I was fit.

                “WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PUNY COMPUTER?” Garfield asked, showering me in red flames.

                “Oh, Garfield, if thou doth love…” I trailed off, presenting a ring made from bugs. I took off my pants and displayed my enlarged package.

                Garfield pondered for a few millennia.

                “Fine, we can touch tips.” he finally told me, returning to his normal state. I once again blushed deeply, turning a deep ruby crimson scarlet. My penis also blushed, causing my underwear to burst into flames.

                “Well, it’s not gonna suck itself…” he purred.

                I could get used to this.

 

 

 

 

               


End file.
